FROM
RUSSIA WITH LYUBEET
A Play in One
Act by
Dakota Balmore
ACT ONE
SCENE I
Jolene’s Bedroom. Late morning: C.S. is a bed big enough for two children. L. of the bed is a small table with a lamp on it, and R. of the bed is a vanity and chair. Off D.R. goes into a hallway. Off U.L. goes into a closet. Off D.L. goes into a bathroom. CASSIE runs on D.R. carrying a big atlas. JOLENE runs on after her. CASSIE runs to the L. of the bed and JOLINE to the R. of it.
JOLENE
Cassie, you give me back that atlas right now.
CASSIE
Pouting.
You’ve had the stupid atlas all morning. You should know every city in Russia by now. I want a chance to look at it. The problem with you is you want to hog up everything.
JOLENE
Holds up a fist.
Well, this is going to hog up your face if you don't give me that book. We go to the airport in an hour to pick the Russian Girl.
CASSIE
Another problem with you, Jolene, is that you always wait to the last minute. You knew Stesha Gavrilov was coming to stay with us this summer since last May. Why’d you wait until today to start studying about her homeland?
JOLENE
I didn’t wait till today. I’ve been studying Russia all along.
CASSIE
Why don't you study the Russian-English dictionary. Do you have the words to greet her in her native language?
JOLENE
Zdrast-vuē-tyeh.
CASSIE
And what does that mean?
JOLENE
It means “Hello.”
CASSIE
Wow, Jolene, just “Hello?” Is that all? It shows how little you studied the language. Well, I have one for you. Ka-koē du-rak. Mal-chē-tyeh.
JOLENE
And?
CASSIE
What a fool. Shut up.
JOLENE
Angry.
Cassie! Give me that book.
CASSIE
No!
JOLENE
Anise! Stop her!
ANISE
Stops CASSIE and holds her.
What is she doing, Jolene? I bet she’s up to no good as usual.
JOLENE
Rises and crosses hurriedly D.R.
Good, Anise, you got her. Turn her around.
ANISE obeys and CASSIE is holding onto the book facing JOLENE who rips
the book from her hands.
Next time you’ll just hand it over, Cassie, and we won’t have to get so physical.
CASSIE
Tyrant.
JOLENE
Runt.
ANISE
Nerd dung.
JOLENE
Good one, Anise.
ANISE
Thanks, Jolene.
ANISE pinches CASSIE.
CASSIE
Grabs her arm in pain and rubs it.
Oy! Bol-na
ANISE
Puts her finger to her lips.
Tē-sheh!
JOLENE
Swipes one hand across in front of her.
Khva-tēt!
ANISE
I think we should slap her around a little, Jolene.
JOLENE
No slapping. But we could do this.
JOLENE drops the book and grabs CASSIE by her shoulders. She shakes
her, drags her to the bed, and throws her on it.
Next time I tell you something, you do it.
SANDY
Enters D.R. and puts her hands on her hips.
Or you’ll what? What are you children doing? Jolene, are you bullying the baby again?
CASSIE
Jumps off the bed.
I am not a baby. The problem with you is, Sandy, maybe you should spend more time in reality. Give up your video games.
SANDY
Hey, don’t you recognize help when you see it, mouse brain. This is big sister coming to the rescue here. A simple thank you will do.
CASSIE
I can fight my own battles, thank you very much.
SANDY
Yeah, just like Sadam Hussein, you’ll be wiped out in a week. Get a life.
CASSIE
I have one, thank you. Why don’t you get a facelift…old woman?
SANDY
MRS. HOOKE enters behind SANDY unnoticed by her.
Peasant. And you Jolene…you’re the wicked Witch of the West. Anise, all you do is sniff the witch’s butt all the time. Why don't you grow your own brain?
She turns and runs into her
mother’s folded arms.
Uh…Mom…hi.
MRS. HOOKE
And what is going on here? Every time I turn around my four daughters are fighting. Whatever happened to sisterly love? When I grew up…
SANDY
Yes, Mom, you’ve told us a thousand times before.
JOLENE
You and your two sisters fought when you were small children.
ANISE
Then just as you became teenagers your father fell on hard times.
CASSIE
That’s when you all decided to come together and help out.
SANDY
You bonded as sisters should.
JOLENE
And became inseparable after that.
ANISE
And today, you and Aunt Jennifer and Aunt Elizabeth are the greatest of friends.
CASSIE
As an announcer.
And there’s another fine story brought to you by Storytime Theatre. Sponsor of the National Storytelling Tall-tale Championship.
MRS. HOOKE
All right…maybe I have told it too many times, but that just goes to show you how much you refuse to get along: and I don’t hesitate to use the word refuse. If you wanted to…if you chose to…you all could be the best of friends. Now get ready to go to the airport. The American Sisters and Brothers representative from Russia will be here soon and we have to drive to the other side of Baltimore to pick her up.
MRS. HOOKE pauses and then
wipes a tear from her eye.
I swear…sometimes it turns my stomach at how you four can’t get along.
MRS. HOOKE turns and exits D.R. All the daughters look guilty at one
another.
CASSIE
The problem is…we are very good at pissing off our mother.
JOLENE
Thrusts an angry finger to her lips.
Mal-chē-tyeh!
Lights out.
Curtain.
ACT ONE
SCENE II
Baltimore-Washington International Airport. Early afternoon: MR. and MRS. HOOKE and their four daughters are C.S.R. There is a sign C.S.L. that reads, “Airside A” with an arrow pointing L. JOLENE is holding a large piece of poster board. The side facing the audience is blank.
JOLENE
Excited.
Oh, Mom…thanks for doing this for me. I always wanted a foreign sister, and now I’m going to get one from Russia. I can’t wait till they unload.
ANISE
What’s the Russian girl’s name?
JOLENE
Stesha Gavrilov. Stesha…isn’t that a beautiful name?
MRS. HOOKE
Very nice. Do you have all the arrangements made for tonight’s sleepover?
JOLENE
Oh, yes, Mom. Elaine Patapsco’s mom is picking up Lizina Harford and bringing her to our house by 7:15. And Karli Orloff’s dad is dropping her off by 7:30.
MR. HOOKE
I hope the Russian girl doesn’t mind sharing a bed.
JOLENE
Many Russians are poor. They probably sleep three to a bed.
MRS. HOOKE
I hope you don’t mind.
JOLENE
Don’t worry, Mom. I can stand it for a month. It will be a great way to be close to my new sister.
CASSIE
She’d never consider doing that with her real sister.
MR. HOOKE
Now, Cassie, don’t start. We want the Russian girl to think we are civilized…at least until we get home.
SANDY
I give her a week and she’ll be asking to return to Moscow.
JOLENE
Sticks her tongue out at SANDY.
She’s from Ufa.
SANDY
What was that? Did you just sneeze?
JOLENE
Ufa is a city just west of the Ural Mountains. Did anyone ever tell you that the American education system is not working for you?
MR. HOOKE
Girls…now stop being girls.
MRS. HOOKE
Gives her husband an elbow in the ribcage.
Hey…I resemble that remark.
MR. HOOKE
Ouch, Morris. That hurt.
CASSIE
That’s Oy! Bol-na in Russian, Daddy.
MR. HOOKE
Well, whatever it is, I think the person who said girls were easier must have been someone with all boys.
SANDY
That’s really funny, Dad. I thought you appreciated us.
MR. HOOKE
I do. At night…when you’re all asleep.
ANISE slips next to her father and puts an arm around him. MR. HOOKE
points to ANISE.
Except this one. She snores.
ANISE
Hits her father playfully.
I do not.
JOLENE
Points frantically to the L.
Here comes a girl my age. I bet that’s her.
JOLENE raises the poster board to the side with the sign reading “HOOKE
FAMILY:
ЗДРАВСТВУЙТЕ
[HELLO]” All the girls wave and yell when finally GIRL 1 enters D.L. carrying a
bag. She crosses casually straight to the R. The girls run out to greet her and
really overdo it. ANISE finally gets her bag.
JOLENE
Zdrast-vuē-tyeh.
GIRL 1
Huh?
JOLENE
Zdrast-vuē-tyeh.
GIRL 1
I’m sorry. I don’t speak your language. I’m from Essex and I just returned from a trip to New York.
SANDY
Way to go, Jolene.
JOLENE
Mal-chē-tyeh, Sandy.
Pulls on ANISE’S arm and points to SANDY.
Tell her, Anise.
ANISE
To SANDY.
Big mouth.
ANISE and JOLENE
smacks their hands together in triumph.
GIRL 1
Holding out her hand to ANISE.
May I have my bag please?
ANISE Gives the girl her bag and they all watch as GIRL 1 exits D.R.
JOLENE
I’m glad she wasn't Stesha. She’s nasty. Right Anise?
ANISE
Yeah, Jolene, who needs an airhead like that.
CASSIE
The problem with you is, Anise, we constantly hear the sound of escaping air coming from your ears.
ANISE sticks her
nose in the air and goes to stand by Jolene.
SANDY
Sour grapes.
ANISE
Fruit cake.
CASSIE
Sandy, you’re wasting your time. Anise would never understand something like sour grapes. She’s been Jolene trained, you know.
MR. HOOKE
Waves his daughters to come back to him.
Enough demonstrating to the world how uncivilized American sisters can be. I hope this Stesha girl has sisters so she can teach you all how to get along and bond.
CASSIE
Steps into character.
Bond. James Bond. Agent 007. My mission: to come from England to bond together the Hooke girls.
MR. HOOKE
Grabs CASSIE and pulls her to the opposite of ANISE.
Okay, okay, Cassie. I just wish you would all learn to love each other as I love you.
MRS. HOOKE
You are all going to be very sorry when you grow up that you were not very close.
JOLENE
Jumping up and down, she holds up the sign again.
Here she comes! Here she comes! That’s her!
JOLENE points off L. again. GIRL 2 Enters D.L. carrying a cloth satchel,
and this time the HOOKE daughters dash over to her before she can make it D.C.
They make a bigger spectacle of themselves. JOLENE, CASSIE, and ANISE fight
over who will take her satchel. A tug of war ensues over the satchel as GIRL 2
tries to stop the two HOOKE girls from pulling on it. Finally, the ruckus ends
abruptly as one of the cloth handles tears on the satchel and it falls to the
floor. The HOOKE daughters back away in horror as GIRL 2 picks up her satchel.
Zdrast-vuē-tyeh?
GIRL 2
Look what you did to my bag. Who are you people anyway?
MR. HOOKE
They just escaped from an all-girls’ mental hospital.
GIRL 2
I believe it.
ANISE
Starts to reach for the satchel.
Let me…
GIRL 2
Brushes ANISE’S arm away roughly.
I’ll get it, than you very much.
GIRL 2 picks up her satchel by the one good handle. It hangs crooked,
so she cradles it in her arms in front of her bosom, sticks her nose in the
air, and exits D.R.
JOLENE
Turning on CASSIE immediately.
Look what you did to that girl’s bag.
CASSIE
I did it? You and Anise tore it apart. I was trying to stop you.
ANISE
After JOLENE smacks her in the arm and points to CASSIE. To CASSIE.
If you hadn’t interfered it never would have happened.
CASSIE
Mal-chē-tyeh, Anise.
ANISE
JOLENE smacks her in the arm and points to CASSIE again.
No. You Mal-chē-tyeh to you, Cassie.
SANDY
How funny you children all are. This is more fun than watching clowns in a circus.
ANISE and CASSIE
Mal-chē-tyeh!
SANDY
And the same to you.
JOLENE
Is that your best comeback? Get a life.
SANDY
I have one, thank you. Why don’t you get a diaper change…baby?
MR. HOOKE
Crosses D.S. with MRS. HOOKE to their daughters.
Okay, now. Seriously…stop bickering.
SANDY
Uppity.
Father, I think the children should pay the girl for her bag. I can still run and catch her.
MR. HOOKE
Points an accusatory finger at
SANDY.
You be careful, young lady. You are not much older than Jolene, and you have a long way to go before you grow up.
JOLENE
Sticks her tongue out at SANDY, who grabs it and pulls on it. JOLENE screams as best she can and finally manages to slap SANDY’S hand away.
Stick that snake out at me again, and I’ll cut off its head.
ANISE
To SANDY.
Witch!
SANDY pretends to fly away on a broom.
JOLENE
To SANDY.
Cruella.
ANISE
After JOLENE smacks her again and points at SANDY.
Deville!
MR. HOOKE
STESHA enters D.L., puts his bag down, and looks around.
If you all don’t knock it off, I’m going to send you down to the car with your mother and meet this Stesha myself.
STESHA
Da…uh, yes? I am Stesha.
The entire HOOKE family turns, looks at Stesha, and freezes in place.
STESHA picks up his bag and crosses to the family.
Hello. I am Stesha Gavrilov…your Russian brother.
JOLENE
You’re male.
STESHA
I vas born dat vay.
ANISE
Why?
STESHA
I do not know. It just is.
JOLENE
Turns sharply to her father.
Dad, I am not sleeping with him.
MR. HOOKE
Giggles.
I’m sorry, Jolene. This was all your idea. I am afraid you made your bed, now you must lie in it.
MRS. HOOKE
Franklin!
MR. HOOKE
Sorry, dear. I couldn’t resist it.
SANDY
Isn’t this just too much. Well, Russian boy. Mal-chē-tyeh.
CASSIE
Sandy, you just told him to shut up.
SANDY
Not embarrassed at all.
Oops…sorry.
CASSIE
Holds a hand out to STESHA.
Zdrast-vuē-tyeh. Kak pazhē-va-yē-tyeh.
STESHA
Takes CASSIE’S hand and shakes it vigorously.
I am very fine…thank you…very much. I think…I vill like it…in America.
MRS. HOOKE
Welcome to America, Stesha.
Lights out.
Curtain.
THIS IS THE END OF
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