How to Keep from Getting Published

1. Make the reader feel like he’s reading a book by not creating an experience.

A. You can achieve this by making many areas of the book unrelated to the plot or character development, or just by having redundant scenes.

B. Make sure you use several scenes to illustrate the same points.

2. Have no hook. Fortunately, there are many ways to achieve this.

A. Start with mundane dialogue.

B. Start with a mundane activity (especially use those from everyday life).

C. Start with extensive setting description.

D. Start with back story description.

E. Your story should never start with an incident involving characters, because, in the beginning nothing is more important than exposition. Don’t just give whatever exposition is needed to get through the incident. That would mean you’d have to give more later … after, God forbid, the reader gets hooked on your characters and story.

F. You may get the comment, “But I don’t know anything about your main character.” If you start with a girl being assaulted in an alley by a much larger male adversary, don’t give in to the logic that the reader won’t care who she is, and that the reader will root for her to get away. Demand that we must know everything about that girl before she gets into the situation to care about her.

3. Start by describing everything. Fortunately, there are many ways to do this.

A. Lengthy description of the history of the character.

B. Lengthy description of the setting.

C. Lengthy description of the time period. In sci-fi/fantasy, you can have a whole world to explain first.

D. Describe every character action in lengthy sequences.

E. Start with an action incident and every few paragraphs interrupt it with a paragraph of descriptions of any kind. (It’s like putting in commercials, “We’ll get right back to the action that’s just getting underway after some back story from our author.”

4. Create too many characters.

A. Oh, and while you’re about it, give some of them names that are similar or at least starting with the same letter.

B. Be sure to begin with many of your characters together … eight or ten should do nicely.

5. Create indistinguishable characters.

A. Don’t offer varying speech patterns.

B. Don’t offer varying wants and needs.

C. Don’t offer varying mindsets that conflict with other characters.

D. Create simple characters. People are too complicated anyway.

E. Only know just enough about a character to write your book.

6. Create unbelievable plot situations.

A. Create amazing coincidences. (Audience think of one.)

B. Create predictable plot. (Audience tell of movie experience.)

C. Put in plotting from real life, though it will be judged unbelievable. Don’t heed the adage, ‘Truth is stranger than fiction’. Always use the argument, “But it happened that way in real life.”

7. Create unbelievable characters.

A. Create characters that act inconsistently.

B. Create characters that act ambiguously.

C. Create characters that never change.

D. Create characters that never show who they are, but tell it to the other characters.

E. Describe every character action in long sequences.

8. Create super-achieving characters.

A. Make sure your protagonists succeed at everything they attempt.

B. Make sure your antagonists fail at everything they attempt.

9. Create flawless protagonists.

A. Make sure your protagonists are perfect in every way.

B. Make sure your antagonists have no redeeming qualities.

10. Create protagonists with no redeeming qualities.

A. Always have your main protagonist execute despicable, questionable things. (TWA Novel Pod experience)

B. Make your main character mean to every other character.

C. Give your characters traits that you and others abhor.

D. Give your characters disgusting habits.

E. Some writers say that you should have your character change, so if one starts out not very likable, the writer can create something in the character the reader can sympathize with or something to explain how the character came to be unlikable. They also say don’t just hint at a change, but make the change … but that will only help get your manuscript accepted. (Scrooge’s history with his father in A Christmas Story.)

11. Be sure to use other established characters or plots.

A. Make other well-known story ideas and characters your own and present them identically with no twists of your own.

12. Create perfect harmony among your characters.

13. Introduce important things not used later.

14. Write your story as passively as possible.

A. Use lots of “to be” verbs.

B. Sprinkle in plenty of “ly” adverbs.

C. Combine two and three adjectives to describe every noun.

15. Jump from head to head and give everyone’s point of view.

A. Change points of view in the middle of a paragraph.

B. Switch from third person to first and back again … often.

16. Vary your tenses

A. Spend an equal amount of time in past and present tense … particularly in descriptive writing.

B. Be sure to mix them up in the same descriptive paragraphs.

17. Show your story through a character who knows too much. That way the reader can know everything before it happens.

18. Use he, she, and I a lot.

A. Try to start as many sentences in a row with each as you can.

B. Try to put as many of the same ones in the same sentences. (“I thought that I could stand it, but deep down I knew I really couldn’t.”)

19. Tell don’t show.

A. Don’t involve your characters in action.

B. Have your characters tell everything to every other character.

C. Give a lengthy description of the time period.

D. Describe every character action in long sequences.

20. Don’t have a payoff at the end.

A. Stop just short of the payoff so you can present it in the sequel.

B. Whatever your story predicts, make it happen with no twists.

21. Use a wide variety of tags.

A. Publishers and agents really hate it when they are distracted by such a variety of tag words.

22. Have a prologue.

A. If you have a lengthy prologue, don’t make it chapter one. Present it as a prologue.

B. Very short one or two paragraph prologues may still work in sci-fi and fantasy. So be careful not to use them there. But, if you must use them, be sure not to put a hook at the end. We don’t want the reader to have any questions going into chapter one. (Parallel universe).